Case of the Ex (Reader Question)

I'm ecstatic to have someone submit a topic for me to write about!!!! I don't even know how to contain myself. It actually means that my blog isn't being viewed in vain. I really hope that this is the first of many more. :D

Anonymous asked:

"I broke up with my boyfriend about a two years ago but despite that fact we keep going back to one another. I wish that I could say we're going back to our relationship, but we're just going back to each other for company. Once we find someone new we split up and once we're single we find our way back to each other. I need help!!!! At first I used to like him but the attraction is gone and I just use him for the company now. I would have no problem with it if I were still young but I'm 23 and it's about that time for me to start getting married. How do I go about getting out of my on again off again relationship???"

I know a lot of people that have been in this kind of situation including myself. 

This is the case of the ex. This is that one relationship that ends but for some reason unbeknownst to you or your former partner, you two keep coming back to each other.


I swear this question couldn't have come at a better time because I actually had to break off my on again, off again relationship...and hopefully, the switch remains off. Let me tell you some of the steps that I took in order to end it for good.

Prepare yourself mentally

Depending on how long you two have remained in contact can have a major effect on how easy it is for you to simply cut off all ties. You HAVE to sit yourself down and make sure that this is what you really want to do. Anyone can say that they want to do something, but it takes a lot of courage to actually go ahead and make the first move.

Once you're convinced that you can cut off all ties with him/her without going back then you can go ahead to the next step.

Don't be a "fall-back"

This is a trap that A LOT of people fall into with individuals that are "wishy-washy" with how they feel or what they want.

There's a saying that tells the simple truth about life:

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

I can't say how many times I've seen people in relationships where their partner has come in and out of their lives 2, 3, even 5 times! And each time it tears the person apart inside. If you find yourself alone while s/he is in a relationship but a hot item once s/he is single, then you are being used as a "fall-back" option (I've done this to people so I would know). Most of the time s/he might make you think that s/he realized how much s/he really wants you in her/his life...but after the 3rd time it happens, you should realize that you have to confront your ex.

There's a simple, but really powerful step you can take to keep take in order to do that.

Bring out everything in the open

It's something you need to say to a wo/man when you're stuck in this kind of situation.

For those of you that want to be with her/him, you HAVE to give them an ultimatum. Something concise. It's not only direct, it's clear:

I want and deserve a wo/man who knows s/he wants to be with me.

If that isn't you, I need to know so that I can move on.

You'll either get your happy ending or the brutal truth. Either way, you should be prepared for the response.

If you're trying to end things permanently then you have to put all of your cards on the table. You have to not only be honest with yourself, but you have to be honest with your ex partner.   Now isn't the time to back out and second-guess if this is the right thing to do; it's the time to let her/him that you can no longer go on with an unhealthy relationship. I cannot tell you exactly what to say because it varies from person to person.

Which ever way it goes, once you say this, you finally stop the back and forth by getting straight to the matter. By the way, there's a catch to saying this. You have to MEAN IT. You can't say this and then keep on allowing the "wishy-washy" situation to keep happening to you.

Not only do you have to tell a wo/man that s/he can't keep up the relationship, you have to stick to that truth for it to work for you. 

Enjoy your company

I know most people would probably suggest that you go out and find someone new. Yeah, that's great and all but that would just mean you're using someone else to fill in the void that your ex left in your life. If you go on to find someone new before learning and appreciating how to be alone you'll become attached to the new person...and I am sure it won't end well.

Spend the time making yourself into a better person; that isn't dependent on another person's company.

Do NOT Contact Your Ex

After you've established that you want to end the relationship, don't contact her/him. Go cold turkey. Seriously...you may experience withdrawal and come close to picking up that phone, but you can't do it. Maybe you said some cock and bull story about trying to stay friends or better yet you two took a vow to always be there for each other, but let's face it...by staying in touch with an old flame you're asking for more months (if not years) of on again-off again uncertainty. So lose her/his number (block it on your phone if you know it by heart), stop all texting, unfriend on Facebook, unfollow from Twitter, remove from your Google + circles, etc.

Imagine how paranoid you'll be when you start seeing a new face in his/her profile picture...

xoxo,

Miss Nwoka